What if YOU are the Toxic Person in your Relationships

 

 

hi and happy Monday yes I usually

come to you on a Tuesday but I won’t be
in tomorrow so I thought I’d come the
day early on a Monday but it’s not just
any Monday it is Patriots rule Monday
I’m from New England in case you can’t
tell okay
that aside we all knew that was gonna
happen but now that has happened
Patriots domination we can move on here
so I’m dr. Laura Dabney relationship
psychiatrist and although I usually help
men successful men by the way with their
very difficult relationships I’m coming
to you in this context really to anybody
who’s had trouble getting help for their
emotional relationship problems maybe
been on the fence maybe you’ve been
afraid maybe you just don’t know who to
turn to
I’m hoping that this forum will help
answer some of those questions or at
least get you in the door to somebody
okay so this month so that’s once we
talk about parenting that’s a very
loaded topic but this month I want to
talk to you about what if you’re the
toxic person in your relationships I
actually have some folks that come to me
with the chief complaint is what we call
it saying that a lot of their
relationships are unfulfilled unhappy
stressful and they have enough insight
to say I’m the common denominator dr.
Dabney right and I think that’s a very
it’s always a very moving point for me
because to help yourself
that insight is invaluable it’s also
rare okay so if you’re able to see that
something’s not right even if you don’t
know what it is you’re halfway there are
more than halfway there okay so let’s
talk a little bit about what do I see
what do I see in somebody where I go you
maybe have trouble relating to people
okay because some people I mean
everybody has
relationships that don’t go well and
this is all sort of a gray or fine line
area but if you if most of your
relationships where majority of
relationships are not fulfilling end up
with a lot of acting out or abandonment
if you seems more than the average
person then it’s certainly worth
checking out right all I may can say is
well you’re handling it it’s not outside
the range of norm but there are some I
guess red flags but I see in people that
let me know that their ability to handle
relationships is a little off and they
might be the toxic person in the
relationship okay so what are those red
flags one is if you have arguments with
really anybody if you have arguments
more than once a month once a mother
more it’s not the norm for people to
have arguments erupting a lot okay that
may be a sign similarly if you never
have arguments
it’s especially with your loved one
partner have you want to put that it’s
people who tell me when I say to people
so how do you deal with your you know um
with your anger with your loved one and
they say oh we never argue I that gives
me pause okay so arguing a lot not
arguing it all um whether you when
there’s a problem in your relationship
and you have no idea what to do I’m not
talking about there you make up with a
few things to do you know no the best
thing to do I’m talking about if you
have no idea what to do ever once you’re
in a tough situation with somebody even
in hindsight that’s a sign as well
parents who have children who never
rebelled
if that sounds odd but it it’s not right
that means that she tells me that you
can’t somehow you aren’t able to handle
give-and-take and some friction and if
you’re if but I have a parent or in here
and they say oh I Johnny is 22 years old
and never gave me a moment’s trouble you
get that that’s a sudden you may have
difficulty with relationships actually
same thing along lines with kids if you
have this is a sensitive topic but if
you have let a child go and let’s say
you let your ex take full custody and it
doesn’t bother you all that much that’s
a that’s a bad sign okay I’m not talking
about the people who have whatever
circumstance have let a child go and if
it’s a heartache in you okay that’s
that’s different than the person who you
know it doesn’t have that heartache
these are people who say things like
well I had the child too young and I I’m
gonna live my life now
the people who rather party then get
custody or full custody of their child
that’s a that’s not a good sign okay if
you don’t have any long-standing
relationships even if you’re married
that’s a and you don’t have any
friendships from your past your
elementary or high school or college
that may be a sign that you have some
relational problems any legal problems
you have not not civil stuff but
criminal stuff if that if any criminal
stuff is going on even if you you
didn’t plan it or you’re totally
surprised that’s also a sign that you
may not know how to relate to people in
an optimal way okay and of course there
are exceptions to all these and please
don’t write in and say I’m prejudiced or
stereotyping it’s just those are
especially there’s more than one of
those that’s where you may be on to
something that you might not have the
best way of relating to people okay so
where does this come from the people ask
me that too
how did I get this way how come I can’t
be late well and we always go back to
your first most important relationships
with your parents and your siblings is
also important but definitely your
parents of course were the ones who
showed you first how to have a
long-standing intimate relationship
that’s their job that’s where
everybody’s supposed to learn it but of
course we have parents who aren’t
perfect all of us do and if you’re a
parent there’s two ways this happens one
is either your parents didn’t relate
well and you absorbed all that even if
you said to yourself oh I’m never gonna
be like that which is very common right
if you don’t know any other way to be
you’ve even been taught how to be any
other way
you are gonna be that way again maybe
not fully conscious but you pick up
those patterns because you haven’t been
taught to do otherwise
interestingly your parents may have
gotten along okay or decently but they
didn’t get along your parenting get
along well with you and I don’t mean
just not get along well with but didn’t
teach you how to go through a difficult
or stressful situation so you may have
had a parent that just let you didn’t
step in never discipline you didn’t want
to make waves so if you want to skip
school oh well if you wanted to smoke
pot oh well you
– oh wow right there’s those parents and
you may have had that so how would you
learn how to have the talk about
negative feelings and the compromising
that we always talk about with couples
not gonna happen if your parents didn’t
go through that with you
similarly if you had a parent who was
over invasive over-controlling you’re
not gonna you never got to practice the
give-and-take with that person it just
you just had to do it their way even if
you rebelled and they still you know got
more and more clamped down on you you
know that a child learns to give up the
rebelling doesn’t work and they may just
leave home and how do they know then
right so that’s typically where a
relationship problems stem from in my
experience but I say all that with this
important statement there is hope even
if most of your relationships are
unsatisfying toxic even there is hope
for you to learn the basic healthier
patterns and I can tell you what those
are and for starters I want to say they
come in that comes in two falls into two
camps people who have long-standing
relationship problems either you’re
causing a problem you have some toxic
behavior that you don’t even realize is
toxic and so you keep doing it and you
have no idea what that is probably
because it’s almost always driven by
something unconscious
okay so either you have toxic behavior
or you’re not stopping another person’s
toxic behavior now I want to just clear
up I’m not saying you haven’t changed
the other person because a lot of you
come in here saying that right this this
I can do relationships but this
I can’t do a good relationship or have a
good relationship until this person
stops X that’s not putting up or
stopping their toxic behavior that’s
trying to get them to change and that’s
not effective so it’s one of two things
either you are causing some toxic you’re
doing some toxic behavior or you’re not
stopping another person’s toxic or
damaging behavior okay
people always say well can’t it be a
mixture well I mean yes it could be but
it really typically you fall into one of
those two camps so we’re gonna talk
about those two camps in the next couple
of weeks and then I’ll do a wrap-up on
the last Tuesday in February okay so
February is no more toxic behavior on
your part fixing your relationships you
fixing your relationships because you
can do it right I can help you with this
more personally on a more personal level
give me a call seven five seven three
four zero 8800 look forward to talking
to you