The Secret Reason we Keep Letting ‘Em Get the Best of Us

hi it’s not Tuesday no we were here on

Tuesday but as good as Joelle looks she
sounds terrible
hi guys I have  laryngitis going on this is
actually better than yesterday!  so we
wanted to wait see if Joelle’s voice came
back otherwise I gotta be ventriloquist
for you little whiteboard I’ll start
writing things down
so I’ve Doc Laura dad I was forget the
intro dr. Lorenz I have any relationship
psychiatrists Joe well Brandon
relationship coach and we’re here what
we do is we help executive men with
their relationship problems but we’re
here and as a way to help people be less
tend to do less poorly Timman therapist
nervous about coming in to get help when
you have an emotional relationship
problem because as we say every time
people nobody leaves without saying I
wish I’d done this earlier right so
don’t be that person
come on in this is our welcome mat we’re
talking you in this is who we are is
what we do it’s what we chat about every
day so we’re decided we wanted to talk
about why people ask us these questions
all the time in session you know why why
don’t why do I keep letting him take me
over or call over me walk all over me
why can I stand up for myself right you
know what these kind of and people often
bring up self esteem and self esteem is
part of it but there’s a secret reason
that we see oh all the time
and I call it well I call these the
enemy emotions okay so there are people
who don’t see their emotions as normal
natural biological yeah but more that
they divided them up into there are good
emotions and bad emotions and they’re
since bad emotions they shouldn’t feel
them or wrong yeah not just
uncomfortable but they were actually
wrong right they’re wrong they’re
they’re the enemy so the emotion becomes
the enemy yeah and it distracts them
from the problem
actually ironically so if there’s a
problem or a person’s a problem they see
they feel anger and then suddenly that’s
bad
that’s wrong it’s mean well half a dozen
reasons why they can’t let that be in
their head I mean we just how about your
head not how am I saying anything at
this point I’m just talking with people
who can’t even let it exist right here
yeah right they start squashing it down
there and burying it and so the irony is
okay so how does this work so the anger
somehow is attached to hurting somebody
like they’re just like this I feel anger
someone’s gonna get hurt yeah that’s
what they think in their heads right
that’s their link right and then that
guilt oh my gosh it’s gonna hurt
somebody I want to hurt somebody as
opposed to it’s really what like oceans
apart yeah the big difference between
thinking being enraged even in your head
and hurting somebody yes I’d love to use
the example you never fear you never
worry that you’re laughters be gonna
become mania that’s what you’re saying
my angers gonna turn me killing somebody
no no you’re an adult you can control
yourself these are just fantasies or
thoughts you’re having in your own head
they’re private just even know and
they’re normal in the normal right
unlike my voice it was it was getting
better and then the Giants played Monday
night and actually won so that did not
help the voice football yellers because
we know that yelling at the football
team on TV makes them do better it does
it does it’s missing one one game I –
does that mean it helped you wanted
games okay back to the anger because I’m
sure I’ll feel that
next Sunday then I guess a little
reprieve I know the anger anger not
going to be murder somebody what’s a big
difference there and oh I was gonna say
it’s like denying that you have years
okay it’s like oh I don’t have ears I
don’t want to hear anything bad so I
don’t have ears but if you think overall
hearing is helpful yes we’re gonna hear
something we don’t like
hey is painful but we don’t deny
ourselves our hearing because overall
it’s very helpful it’s a sad thing with
all of our feelings but over time I tank
or anger is essentially our anger is our
alarm bell it’s the smoke alarm we have
in our head something’s wrong out there
so anger is usually what the alarm bell
that okay I have to do something I need
to set up a boundary or I need to do
something to benefit okay
maybe not even to that person there’s a
half-dozen things you can do with the
anger but if you keep ignoring the alarm
bell you’re not gonna know if it’s just
the battery needs to be changed or is
there a fire hearty saying something
something has to be done about that
that’s a good infection is telling you
something was there needs to be taken
care of
okay so anger is not the enemy he all we
need you to feel that so you know you
know what’s happening so that’s the
reason why these keep going on it’s with
people what happens is someone will walk
all over let’s say someone mistreat you
even if it’s something minor or just
something bothersome it may not be
mistreatment it might be something
father some to you and if you’re not
able to say that makes me so angry they
keep doing that I need to do something I
need to let you know that’s irritating
you do that can you please stop I’m
smiling because I have a good you know
so it’s ugly
Lola’s on Facebook but anyway no but so
one thing is you know
sometimes like or like you’ll see you
have a friend that you speak to on the
phone a lot and one of the two one thing
could be when you’re on the phone then
they can say okay okay okay like while
you’re talking if you don’t tell them
that that annoys you or bothers you they
will not stop I used to be like God
I’d be get so irritated and just hang up
the phone and just then be mad right and
then I’d be like why am I so angry and
it’s cuz oh my mom’s not listening to me
she’s just being dismissive I mean my
friend but then eventually I realized
you know okay if I don’t say mom when
you are on the phone with me and are
just okaying okay okay me it makes me
feel like you’re not really there or
you’re not listening or paying attention
so I just need you to hear me you know
cuz it irritates me and it made me mad
you know I may be I may have said
differently but basically said that you
know and then I was like oh sorry I had
no idea so that right there it’s a small
little she wasn’t doing anything to be
mean and I wasn’t trying to be mean but
since then I mean I still have to gently
remind her sometimes but you know that
boundary worked yeah and we’ve all been
on the other end of this I mean it all
sense that somebody’s upset or something
went wrong and and you have no idea yeah
what happened we’d much rather know if
yeah we always say what if you just told
me so it might be bad news together
person or uncomfortable information but
again it’s so much better than you got
to go on and on and on because there’s
no way but all emotions have to be aired
out even if it’s just in your head or
they look yeah so like let’s what about
for you what would be an example that
you know when it comes to the people
that we actually see well I can tell yes
okay I was compared with it but I do
with sports because it’s like muscle
memory it’s not we can tell you make
friends with your anger but it takes a
long time if you
if you have convinced yourself over the
years that anger causes hurt yeah right
now people cause her anger causes hurt
then you’re gonna be tentative about
pulling those two things apart but even
I I mean I teach this I do this all day
long at tennis my tennis coach he’s from
Ghana and I’m learning how to do net
shots he said lady why you not punch the
ball punch the ball I’m punching you I’m
punching it no you kiss the ball you
must but the ball like commands my 25
year old God six foot tall son but when
he was right there what I saw it started
paying attention to it I was like come
on hit that hard I don’t want to hurt
him or what if it’s a friend across the
way I want to take her head off but had
to but that’s its aggression angry at
the ball and I was like he picked up so
we all do this it’s not totally unusual
to want to not make waves and not one
make a big deal but overall you are you
have to hold on to the bigger picture
because we’re all adults you know we
have to sometimes hold onto the big
picture yeah which is it’s better to get
that off your chest
in whatever appropriate way you pick
then to determine that your anger is the
problem yeah you’re just gonna keep
letting people run you over do things
that are inappropriate and then you end
up taking it out either on the wrong
person on situation or you just it
manifests in different ways right as if
you don’t deal with the anger you know
it’s just you’re gonna either blow or
just be resentful or so men can go on
and on really scream the TV look about
somewhere else yeah yeah we thought and
then you feel it oh that’s because
that’s the irony so what happens is
people bit
people bury their anger and it blow up
over here and then that person was like
what the heck because it’s something
totally different
or a person is totally different and
then you say to yourself it’s what they
say themselves I knew it
see my anger caused that problem I gotta
bury it more yeah and that’s really the
irony is I start bearing more and more
and more until it’s blowing up all those
plates okay now I’m really gonna stop
this time blowing up but the problem is
you have to actually feel anger more
often not less yeah just feel it
I’ve had patients go I’m at my favorite
stories is I the patient was telling me
that he you can point it I have to get
rid of it I have to get rid of all my
negative thoughts and get rid of my
anger it’s a negative feeling and I said
but everybody feels anger all the time
and his jaw drops the floor no way he
did I actually laughed I don’t laugh too
much when someone has a response like
that but I was like yes everybody he had
convinced himself not only that he had
to get rid of his anger everyone else
into this is a high-ranking military
person everybody else whitewash their
moods and is never feeling any more it
was that I laughed out loud and I had to
go through all the different like on all
the media like a Trump he’s very
comfortable as his anger that’s not good
example is that people are gonna go
we’ll see you’re an asshole here you’re
an idiot if you if you should fetch your
anger but there’s really comfortable
that he gets what he wants
he’s an idiot for different reasons so
um other people not show anger in the
media let’s yeah seriously no but you’re
right well given or sports player your
Tommy Boy I’m not know saying but he’s
comfortable with his anger when he gets
fired up he gets fired
mr. bird no recipe you’ve got Tom Brady
who has a motion yeah Eli Manning who
has no emotion yes on the field on the
field you don’t know you don’t know I’m
exactly getting comfort with your anger
it’s a good thing it will keep people
from walking all over you and something
wrong with getting your way doesn’t make
you a jerk doesn’t make you hurt
somebody no none of those things are
connected yep right right in time for
Thanksgiving yeah
we come to with your yeah probably have
a talk next week about that okay Willie
okay we’ll talk this week about that um
but so you gonna say something too about
your program oh so you know all these
guys we’ve been talking about over the
past months months in these videos and
our Instagram videos are all on a
program that I have called increased
intimacy now it explains all of this and
more and it puts it all into a program
six-week program that also has feedback
from me so there’s interaction we can
have so it’s not all you doing it alone
at home we get a little feedback from me
and but it is convenient to do it in
your own home but we’d love to see you
in here – yeah so either way you have
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good we thank you you buddy