The REAL Definition of Intimacy

The REAL Definition of Intimacy and how to achieve it
we’ll start it I it’s this Tuesday Oh
seed now I’m not the only one that gets
today’s wrong think about we have big
news to talk about on Thursday so I
think that’s where I hit that yes stay
tuned for that
yeah thank you for that so what are we
gonna talk about today well Laura Dabney psychotherapist.
Joelle Brant relationship  coach.
we’ve been talking about how to get
people over the hump of coming in to get
help for their relationships yes we
never get her right I’m a low talker
I’ve been told most about my husband is
one of the counties here usually that’s
selective so what gets people over the
hump of coming in or afraid to come
in people are embarrassed ashamed and
we’re on a mission but is that too
strong on a mission to get the people
who are suffering to come in sooner
because we’ve noticed that when people
but some people come in here or call us
they’ve been suffering for too long.
two years decades and we just think that’s
completely unnecessary so we’re we chat
about what we do and you’re invited into
my office so hopefully that makes it a
little easier for you yes and then you
had some idea yeah the one thing that I
thought would be something interesting
to talk about is intimacy yeah we do
deal with a lot of couples married
couples people in long like long term
relationships where I think a lot of
times people don’t really understand
what true intimacy is or they have a lot
of you know they have their ideas of
what it is but Dr. Dabney has taught me
along the lines of what the the real and
true definition of an intimacy could be
yeah girl I miss a lot of misconceptions
that gets them in trouble so our niche
here is helping executive men with
relationship problems
and so this is how we’ve heard about all
of the mists that are out there and then
I’d help people overcome those myths to
make get the relationship back on track
yeah I guess that’s what it is
and I think we started talking about the
broader definition of intimacy people
think it means sex typically but the
broader definition is transparency yeah
that’s one of the easiest way to explain
it explain it yeah so transparency being
hate say honesty because that’s
it’s also broad but that’s really what it is
so if people up to now we’ve been
talking about how people bury their
feelings like anger neediness sadness
they feel it’s bad or wrong or hurtful
but then you’re hiding something right
and so if you’re hiding something
basically never a good idea because
either you’re hiding an emotion and it
later builds and blows right or you’re
hiding something you feel resentful
that’s not being taken care of
yeah it caused all kinds of problems so
to be able to say something difficult
and maybe maybe cause some hurt or some
pain or difficult conversation is way
better every time then burying it yeah
that’s why a lot of times like I think
you said it’s you know when it comes to
talking about things if you don’t talk
about things or aren’t honest with
things it’s like that’s when people can
act out and you know have bad actions
versus you know people will act out
things as a way to hint mmm right hint
that there that there’s a problem we
talked last night about she should know
he should know he should know because I
was my body language my this that other
thing like what why not just tell them I
didn’t want it to stop so we talk about
that a lot how to tell somebody
something had well and it starts with
first understanding it yeah because
that’s also right that we see that a lot
where they can’t even put an emotion on
it yeah it’s there’s a term alexithymia
so what does that mean it means you
cannot read your own emotions you can’t
read emotions it’d be self alexithymia
okay Otto alexithymia okay now I’m
getting carried away but basically so
basically you people will you I know
you’ve had this happened to there
telling you about a situation and
they’re saying you know and I told her
this not told her that night and I’ll
stop and say but what were you feeling
at that time and pick a blank no I think
people crying and I’ll say what are you
feeling and they’ll say I don’t know
it’s that it’s extremely common this is
not a rare but and you literally have to
say you know I see tears but usually
tears mean sadness actually have to walk
people through that sometimes
that’s how disconnected they are from certain
feelings or I’ll even try to make the
step for them so when people I’ll say
when people feel it with their hands are
clenched and their hearts racing and
their jaws are clenched what is that
feeling usually because they can usually
name it in somebody else mm-hmm right so
say what if someone else had that what
would you think
and they oh but they sometimes things
that stair-stepping method to get them
to fully understand there especially
when it’s something that they’re not
used to or never had to deal with not
that they hadn’t had to deal with it but
that they never did deal with it right
or you didn’t learn how to deal with it
typically or we’re too afraid to deal
with it or whatever the situation is
which we also get to right so
understanding the why that’s another
thing people ask me all the time is well
why do I need to know why Wow who cares
I don’t want to blame my parents it’s
not about blame understanding yes I mean
if you have a crack in your wall of your
house how do you know if it’s the roof
the foundation the paint you don’t know
you have to find out why where’s it
coming from
yeah and then once you find out why
you can address it you can dress it and
then hopefully understand those emotions
and then we practice expressing them
yeah because there’s a way you know
there’s there’s and that’s when I talk
about especially healthy yeah with
empathy that’s what I say right so
expressing with empathy so if you think
it’s gonna be a sensitive topic to maybe
say that this is I knows a sensitive
topic but I need to talk about my
feeling of X when you do Y mmm I know it
is and I try very hard to practice what
you preach for you is bad for our image
was for you it works it really does work
I mean I think that’s the biggest thing
that people another misconception is
that you know it’s relationships
marriages it’s all it’s not it’s never
you know it’s not easy it’s work and it
takes two people to really you know have
that true intimacy you know but like
even dr. Dabney said it sometimes you
know it does you don’t both need to be
here right you know if you want to fix
your marriage or relationship or
anything you can come in and start
working on yourself and really that
sometimes makes all the difference you
know that is so true and then I’m so
glad you brought that up because we have
people call and say well I want to come
in but my spouse ball company yes if
we’re like come in anyway we welcome you
but I see it as a scale so it that’s it
so in other people also say well how can
you judge the relationship if you
haven’t heard the other side it’s like
do I look like Judge Judy no I’m not
it’s not a court of law huh
there’s no right or wrong I’m not
judging anybody but if I know if one
partner is hurting and doesn’t have
these skills we were just talking about
then the other person you’re here
she’s up here there’s no way in a system
that one person can be so out of whack
mm-hmm but the whole relationship isn’t
out of whack that’s all I need to know
so that if I fix
and I get him to the point where he’s
healthier emotionally the whole system
will write itself
true and I mean I’ve dozens hundreds
maybe now times and it’s also – is that
sometimes it’s once the one person who
comes in you know if that husband that
boyfriend that fiancee is finally
working on themselves and something
changes for him the partner usually can
either be a changes themselves and
realize as well something’s going on
be okay I want to come too and then they
end up come starting to come in together
and it’s just it just works it’s like
you don’t both have to come you know
you’re fixing the system and fix you
you’re fixing the system the marital
system and some people pick it up
automatically the changes they start
making the changes to or if this really
approach is healthy or the reactions
often healthier mm-hmm and that’s just
one thing like I mean there’s so many
different things when it comes to
intimacy and misconceptions and I feel
like we could easily talk about that for
everyday but you know we can always talk
about some more I know Thursday it’s a
different day Thursday we have other
news but next week we talk about
something else and I mean please I know
that you know especially if it’s a
sensitive topic you can always email us
send a private message you know because
we we are open to answering any other
questions anyone might have we don’t
have to talk about just what we think is
important we want to we value what you
guys think is important actually that’s
a good idea if you actually message us
your questions we could just answer
those live that might be a way to get
you rolling with your relationship
without picking up the phone or coming
in at least not yet until later we’ll
get you some day thank you for joining
us today we’ll see you next week all
right bossy I’ll see you Thursday but
not with Joelle I’m giving away the
secret!