Tips on How to Make a Marriage Last

Q&A with Dr. Dabney on how to make a marriage last   Dr. Dabney treats marriages but not always the couple. She sometimes treats one person in the marriage, which fixes the marriage. That’s one hint if you need help, you’ve got to get it. Dr. Dabney has been married for 27 years and is offering tips on how to make a marriage last.   Joelle: How do you make a marriage last 27 years or even one year? Dr. Dabney: There is no magic bullet to get you through all of the problems you will face. If you need help, go and get it. Daryl and I got help when we needed it. We had parenting disagreements, and it wasn’t easy. It’s never easy to ask for help, but the relief and the amount of trouble you overcome is so worth it. It’s almost silly not to get help because we made so much progress so fast. And I do not think we would be as happy as we are now in our marriage if we didn’t get that help.   Joelle: Do you have any premarital advice? Dr. Dabney: If the couple starts by having the understanding that they’re going to get help when they need it, then it becomes more automatic. Instead of saying “oh my god, we need help, something’s wrong with us,” it just becomes more second nature.   Get the Help You Need People think our lives are perfect, but we’re not perfect. Just because we’re focusing on other peoples problems, does not mean our lives are perfect. In fact, a lot of what we teach is because we’ve been in the trenches, and we’ve come out of it. That gives us another perspective on how to work through these things, besides book knowledge and training.  We’re not here to judge you. We’ve been there, or we have relatives or friends who have. People think that therapy will take forever to see results, but the sooner you come in and get the work done, the sooner you can feel better and reap the rewards. Some people come in for one session to make a plan, or if we are not the right fit, we will refer you to someone who we think is a better fit. Ways we can help you: Dozens of free articles  15-minute consultation to provide direction (757) 340-8800 An online …

How to Avoid Raising a Narcissist or Sociopath

Let’s talk about narcissism and sociopaths. Specifically, how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. I thought I’d combine the two and help teach you how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. How to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath You don’t want to deal with narcissists or sociopaths anywhere; you certainly don’t want your child to have that kind of problem. Narcissism and sociopathy are descriptive titles of personality disorders. The larger group is personality disorders. Personality disorders are defined as not monsters and horrible people that you hear in the media, but we define personality problem as somebody who has difficulty with intimate relationships. I know it makes no sense. Personality disorder does not mean you have a bad personality; in fact, sociopaths often have lovely personalities; it’s part of their trick, part of the manipulation. The definition means you have not just the typical trouble with intimate relationships that we all have but the extreme problems. Such as, you can’t maintain long-standing intimate relationships. What goes into maintaining long-standing intimate relationships? That way, you can maintain long-term relationships, and you don’t have a personality disorder and therefore are not by definition a narcissist or a sociopath. How to how to raise a child who does not have a personality disorder, means you have to understand what goes behind that. Understanding what the foundation is of maintaining intimate relationships. The key here is to have a good sense in capabilities to give and take, you can give and take. Another way of putting that is to have a good capacity to control yourself and to put up boundaries with the other person. Notice, I didn’t say control yourself and control others. A big problem parents have is controlling themselves and putting up boundaries, which helps a child control themselves. Also, the capacity to change your parenting style as the child grows up. So many parents are using the same techniques for punishment and discipline when the child’s a teenager as when the child was three. Makes no sense, right? But it happens all the time. Three areas to focus on: Controlling yourself Putting up a boundary with a child Changing your parenting techniques Controlling yourself (taking care of yourself). There are lots of things that children do that they need to do, to have healthy self-esteem, to feel autonomous, to feel grown-up, to feel separate from their …

Why can’t we enjoy the holidays without the meltdown??

hi everybody it is Tuesday right yes it is Tuesday I don’t have Joelle with me today though because we were crazy busy all day now she has to go pick up her kids so I’m coming to you live alone this time so it’s nice to see you all I been wanting to talk about the holiday meltdown okay since before Thanksgiving because so many people come to me with this history of going going going going going and then crashing and so I typically don’t hear about the crash till after the crash right so they everybody goes off to their holidays a breeze fine and then they come back uh uh you know with all the complaints and frustrations so we don’t want you to do that this year as I always tell my patients how about we think about the things that are coming up not just the things that have passed and if you have this history of melting down I just wanted to talk to you about that and you know who you are it doesn’t mean you have to it doesn’t it’s not going to take something away from the holidays to think about this in advance we’re gonna add something the holiday is by doing a preemptive strike I was called it’s pre interest rate preemptive strike here we’re gonna solve this before it happens okay and then make the holiday a whole lot better not only for you but everybody else so what I’ve found over the 20 years of doing this is that that meltdown tends to always come because of a imbalance okay so there’s that I’m doing everything and nobody else is doing anything imbalance right sound familiar right this distance and this he’s not doing that she’s not doing that she’s getting her nails done and I’m doing oh okay so you start doing that in your head you know it’s a problem so we’re gonna talk about all the reasons why that balance comes up for starters you are probably doing this all in your head okay so you get caught up in their traditions in the pressure from society maybe some pressure from the family and you go right into right the mood holidays and whatever holiday it is I’m gonna go into the mode and not think stop and think okay thinking caps on …

Beyond Boundaries– Simple Fixes for your Relationship Problems

we’re back it’s voting Tuesday we are here to talk  Beyond Boundaries and give  Simple Fixes for Your Relationship Problems absolutely yes so we’re not here to help you with the political problems because that can get kind of fiery but we do have some tips on how to fix your relationship problems.  these are the quicker tips we give beyond just boundary setting which is huge! But we have talked about boundary setting quite a bit but it’s here is our introduction.  I’m Doctor Dabney relationship psychiatrist and this is Joelle Brant relationship coach. We’re here to try to help you be a little less, you know, weird about coming in to see us or anybody to help you with your emotional relationship problems.  This is  sort of like us opening our front door and saying come on in this is let me talk about this what we do this our imperfections and hopefully make you a bit more comfortable. so we have talked about boundary setting and we’ve discussed the basic boundary setting method is “I feel X when you do Y so I need you to please stop.” there’s some other quick down and dirty statements you can make to stop some troublesome patterns in your relationship. so we thought we’d go over those today. the one we talk about a lot is walking away but a little part to that you have to add that’s because walking away is a little passive-aggressive if you’re in the middle of something or your partner is in the middle of something and you walk away you’re gonna stir them up because they’re not gonna know where you are  or why you just left. Or if  you coming back, that’s sort of hurtful to them so we talked about using a bridge statement. right,  you can say I’m gonna leave this is getting a little too much but let’s revisit it after dinner. Exactly so that little statement keeps it from being torture for the other person okay now there are times when walking away without a statement is appropriate so the first example walking away with a bridge statement is if someone’s being inappropriately aggressive name-calling you know yeah the other yelling gets to be too high whenever you get to that you know that anxiety discomfort like mmm it’s not working for me check in later okay but …

Relationship Patterns and Passivity Part 2

Relationship Patterns and Passivity back hi relationship psychiatrist dr. Laura Dabney relationship coach Joelle brands we’re continuing our chat on toxic relationship patterns this is a good one because people come to us and say something’s wrong with my relationship I’m unhappy with it but they’re not able to say what’s going on yeah except for maybe you know some details here and there but they’re not able to see the overall picture correct right so we’re always encouraging you to I think people call it coming out of the weeds stepping above the weeds and looking in you know what’s going on yes so last week was sort of our on the intro to issues intro to issues right basically aggressive toxic aggressive patterns are toxic now we talked about constructive aggression being boundary setting but then last week we talked about destructive aggression which hurts the relationship and just briefly those are criticizing helping when you’ve not been asked controlling controlling something trying to get someone on the same page as you not letting someone be on a separate package so today I said we were gonna talk about something that’s less obvious and that is passivity yeah I mean how many times have people come in and say well I just let him have his way because then there wouldn’t be a fight it’s just easier it’s just easier and I say is this easy okay you haven’t described one thing that’s easy or they get their way but then you’re so angry and then it manifests in a different way and that’s destructive passivity so a lot of people think passivity is kind and will get people to love you if I just let everybody have their way they’re gonna love me so much but it never happens it doesn’t work that way so there is constructive passive and then there’s destructive passivity I had people looking at me then when I say that like I’ve got to frickin heads right like when we say the Browns are gonna win the Super Bowl right that’s that kind of stupid statement it does not work let’s think about it for a second your poor husband my poor husband’s a Browns fan so he could move along we’re in the season of bargain in the bargaining season that oh yes the season of hope now in the bargaining …