Stop Always Picking the Wrong Partner!

stop picking the wrong partner and why you may be doing it

we’re live!  hi we’re back getting settled. Laura Dabney relationship psychotherapist and Joelle Brant Relationship coach.

We are  here talking to you about the problems we see

every day and that we want to share with you.

As a result, maybe we can give you help across the

airwaves as opposed to you coming in or

picking up the phone.

 

we’d rather you pick up the phone and

come in but some people are really

afraid. So, if you come in maybe we can help you here. 

 

we’ve noticed that a lot so we’re trying to ease your anxiety

about coming in.

Since we started, you know we’ve been talking about several things that

have come to our attention or we’ve

gotten requests from certain people to discuss some topics. 

 

I was telling Joelle that I’ve had

several requests now to talk about the

topic why do I keep picking the wrong

partner we laugh because that’s a very

common concern issue yeah all the above

yep that people call about or come in

about all the time so we know that’s a

ubiquitous problem and I don’t know if

there’s really one answer right probably

multi fold reasons or it could be one

reason for someone another reason for

another but it usually kind of comes

down to a few tendencies I think or a

combination of these tendencies that

we’ve touched on before but maybe we

talked about the combination how it’s

like a lethal combination of tendencies

so we talked about red flags right so

there are people who have obvious

obvious obvious problems with

relationships or relating to people and

there are people who miss those red

flags yeah they don’t want to see them

for one reason or another we usually

talk about those red flags sort of I’ve

written paper where they listed 50 of

them so instead of doing that they tend

to

fall into these these categories one

being self-care mm-hmm I’m not able to

care for themselves and that could be

can’t hold a job self-mutilate sore self

harms those kind of things like always

being late is one thing right that I’m

late ya know that y’all mentioned right

that often leads to well that sometimes

leads to not be able to care for himself

right now you have a job or get through

a degree or an education impulsivity

right lack of being able to control

oneself drinking too much spending too

much all the time type of thing exactly

can’t right this is we’re not talking

about like once in a while we’re talking

about somebody who chronic or habitually

does this somebody who does not follow

the law rights man who breaks the law

you know shows though this a it’s like

cheating you know this person isn’t

following the rules does not think the

rules of society apply to them so

they’re not gonna follow the rules in a

relationship you know the societal rules

either mm-hmm and that’s and then last

one what it is

oh no lack of empathy

oh yes that’s bitch Lee being late to

they don’t care about or they don’t your

issues or your concerns they don’t

matter right don’t take seriously right

so you can’t you can’t work with

somebody who my gosh my phone

Alexis going on Siri uh-huh is they’re

not going to if you have a problem

they’re not gonna take it seriously

mmm-hmm

these are people you know they they just

can’t do the give-and-take of a

relationship right there needs count

more than yours

they take take take take take it take it

right I can’t give whereas the ideal

relationship is balance of both so I

guess that sort of leads us to why you

know again it seems obvious to people

who are a little bit healthier but

what happens with the people who can’t

see the red flags so a lot of times that

is if they can’t see those red flags it

boils not to critical judgment being

able to on your own realize okay this is

a not a good person for me and that

could be too different I’ve seen it two

different times you know you have one

where there’s someone who let’s say

always pick someone that they feel like

they have to save and take care of or

and then like why do I always pick these

type of people and then you also have

the people that are in you know we were

just talking about this but abuse of

relationships you know sometimes you’ve

noticed if somebody has been in one

abusive relationship you hear about them

being in more than one and that right

there shows that their critical judgment

they’re taking these people who probably

have shown these red flags of some sort

but they choose not to see them yes so

they choose not to see them typically

because of the critical judgement is Joe

all the same so when somebody these

people see the red flag but they do they

talk themselves out of it mm-hmm because

of guilt so picking the wrong mate often

involves excessive or inappropriate

guilt okay so that person is can’t

chronically hold a job well Who am I to

talk it’s something like this goes on

their heads but Who am I you know to say

I can’t pick you because you can’t hold

a job when I’ve I’ve had a couple of

jobs in my life you know they do this

talking themselves out of it or they try

to justify it in their own head yes that

justify it’s another way of dealing with

the excessive guilt they feel it’s mean

the whole don’t judge a book by its

cover

listen people you want to judge people

by their cover or fire your gut

instincts really right and you have to

trust I mean I think that’s one thing

that people don’t realize it’s like you

know what it’s a you have to trust your

instincts

your instincts usually are on point

right there telling they’re telling you

something for a reason yeah there’s a

way

waving their people this is why was a

long red flag right exactly this is I

always caution my parents in session to

not tell their kids play with so-and-so

doesn’t matter if you think there’s

something weird about them we want to

caution our children not to say that out

loud to the person but we do want them

to start listening to what they think or

feel or red flags for just this reason

and this is all you brought the

statistics about people coming back and

back to these same type of people but

does it Disick’s bear this out 50% of

relationships marriages end in divorce

right we a lot of us know that you know

what the percentages of second marriages

25 he 75 in the third marriages maybe

thought okay I was like I’m not sure on

that one I’ve seen 82 so John obviously

keeps going up because a lot people get

divorced like what’s their fault but

you’re it’s your part you are laying a

role run because you’re picking picking

the wrong person so that excessive guilt

plays out with the talking yourself out

of it justifying the behavior and as you

mentioned the turning it around to its

opposite right not that I have to get

away from the person but I have to tell

help them stay with them save them fix

them all right

yeah and that whatever that fairytale

anything is in your mind

never happens does it ever happen never

happens people who have red flags though

I mean it would take us what how long I

mean several times a week

for many many years to straighten that

person out yes the red flag behavior is

called red flag for a reason it’s

dangerous and they are not easily fixed

treated dealt with yeah okay so that’s a

very important distinction now I get

asked this a lot so I’m going to go here

but people make mistakes doctors are you

think anybody makes a mistake is a red

flag person the answer is no so how do

you distinguish if the person has made a

terrible error and judgment or is a red

flag person I call this I’ve made this

up so I don’t know but it’s I call it a

pink flag mmm it’s really not a red flag

until you’ve tested it mm-hmm look at

the difference if the person is late

let’s say that’s a good example or

something late for your first day late

for your second date if you gave them a

second date and you say okay person’s

red flag and off you go um but if you

say hey you know you’ve been late a

couple times it’s kind of bothersome to

me is there something going on and that

person says I’m sorry I didn’t realize

yes this is what happened but it’s

empathetic or just really like I’m sorry

then it’s not a red flag because they

have empathy if they say it was only ten

minutes that’s a red flag

okay ten minutes or it’s because you

picked this place you know blaming you

that’s like um what’s your problem you

need to calm down not be so uptight

about time red flags yeah so it’s really

a pink flag until you test it and then

your aunts their answer will tell you

all you need to know and people like

yeah well I need to give them at least a

few months no there’s nothing written

down about time here people there’s

nothing there’s nothing singing you have

to give anybody X amount of time if

someone’s rude or inappropriate on the

first date off you go I’ve had I’ve

taught people this and they’ve put the

money down said thank you very much for

the drink

nice chatting with you but this isn’t

gonna work out and they leave before the

dinner comes there you go

because they don’t want they don’t want

to be mistreated and you should it’s if

you want to be mistreated if you’re

allowing yourself be mistreated

a therapy issue right there our coaching

issue mm-hmm that’s the boundaries I

mean that’s another we didn’t even get

to that but that’s definitely another

thing when it comes to picking the wrong

person or you know not finding that

right person why am I always it’s also

can be not just critical judgment but

your boundary setting you know if you

have trouble setting your own boundaries

like dr. dagni said you feel like oh I

need to give this person a chance or I

need to allow this you don’t need to

allow it and shouldn’t because it’s not

going to go anywhere it’s not healthy

when you do that and you’re just setting

yourself up yeah and then I mean think

about how unfair it is to that person if

you’re sentencing or knowing your head

this isn’t going to work out and yet you

still go through with it

mm-hmm they want to use your empathy use

it in that way not in me I’m going to

cave and try to help this person or

tolerate this behavior be the better

person it’s not a better person to allow

bad behavior to continue it’s all

fantasy we tell ourselves yeah okay so

dump the red flag person well test it

first

and then dump the red flag person do

yourself a favor

see if it’s a check out the pink flags

yes first don’t be a statistic yes

please don’t please pass this on for

those people who you know they keep

picking the wrong person because

sometimes they don’t realize it and you

just letting them know I think this is a

red flag person and the sending our

video might do the trick

yeah share it let us know and you know

keep writing in because this is how we

got this question yeah so anytime you

have a question you know send us a

message and we can answer it alright see

you soon borrowing any furniture

hurricanes he’s way behind I know

alright see ya bye