Men Do Not Emote. Well, SOME men.
Robo Man Syndrome When Men Do Not Emote. This is a common issue that comes up.
We are live and back but we missed you
last week. Oh my goodness our internet, it went
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Hopefully they will do better shout out to NtegraIT who did
come by and fix everything.
hopefully that will be resolved, we have missed you!
we’re all set to go and we realized we didn’t introduce ourselves. I’m Dr. Laura Dabney this is
Joelle Brant we both work with executive men help them with their relationships. We help the robo man syndrome men who do not emote.
so we have talked about a lot of things over the last several weeks.
Wow at least a month yeah we’ve
talked about emotions and how they
sometimes men like to protect themselves from
emotions in ways it might not be a good idea.
yeah like pathological altruism and
doing everything for everyone at the
expense of yourself not be at boundaries.
we talked about boundaries more popular
ones we talked about panic and anxiety
yes phobias oh yeah Joelle’s phobia .
I did kill an ant yesterday so maybe I’m
making progress. Well I’ve been
talking we’ve both been talking with Dr.
Jed diamond and I am really fond
of him. he is a psychologist who works
outside of San Francisco and he played a big role in helping us
understand men’s emotions. he has a very
similar clientele to us. so we
really have a lot in common and it’s
been a joy to talk with him he actually
wrote the book male menopause back in
the 70s and since then he’s gotten
interested in what he calls irritable
man syndrome. which is basically men who
feel the only emotion they’re allowed to
have is anger. okay so if they’re hurt
they’re angry, if they’re sad they’re
angry, you know everything else
come out that’s anger! so that’s been a
really interesting. so that’s what he
sees the most that’s what he sees a lot of.
that’s what we’ve been writing about.
I was telling about what I see and what
we talked about which is Robo man and
it’s a little different than irritable
man but along the same lines where men
often feel that any kind of emoting is
negative or effeminate or something’s
not right with it so they really they
are trying to and they will tell if this
is a conscious thing they were trying to
be robotic I’m gonna have no emotion
shut down or or get down even just be oh
yeah we might see I just shutting it
down yeah it’ll just kind of involute
does the other word I use a lot the in
Buddhist goes like oyster into their
shell they just clam up and there’s
nobody home this will not you can’t
penetrate that which can be very
frustrating for people in their lives
yeah they’re trying to get a sense of
what’s going on and they there’s an
emotion attached to what’s going on they
won’t even they just won’t just say
platitudes or general statements they
won’t get into it exactly I know you’ve
seen this with some of your clients yeah
yeah it’s hard to pry them out of that
show
yes it’s very hard because they just or
they just don’t want to answer so you
still have to just kind of like you said
before I don’t know but just slowly ask
questions or just keep trying to push
them out of that comfort zone to you
know it’s a tricky balance that we deal
with in here and that’s what we’re
always trying to show you how we deal
with the problems that come to us.
it’ finding the right balance of it. Like a religion to them seriously, I also call it
the Superman cape.
they think they’re getting this is
giving them some power but it’s well in
a way and I’m trying to show them how
well-worn it’s just you know it’s just
fake it’s worn out it’s not working in
fact it’s hurting them a lot of time but
they develop it because whatever
happened they had some dysfunction in
their family doesn’t have to be we
always talk about that doesn’t be a
trauma or something majorly wrong the
parents were horrible I’m not saying
that but sometimes there are parents who
don’t we’re taught how to deal with
their emotions
I work greatly um one thing too that I
noticed it could be something where they
just didn’t realize to deal with the
emotions in front of the children
exactly they might have thought that no
no no we can’t no fighting whatsoever in
front of kids at all or no disagreements
and so the children grow up thinking my
parents didn’t ever discuss anything
like this even though behind closed
doors they did you know they
communicated you bring up an excellent
point this is so it bothers me all the
time and I have patients who will say I
didn’t want to cry in front of the kids
why that’s a great way for your kids see
the crying is normal and that you get
over it yes but that’s to me that’s one
of the things too is that you know it’s
not my parents have parents work I’m
like no it’s not not saying the parents
are bad but it usually does come back to
you know what you’d saw and learned
growing up that’s a huge lesson we need
to teach our children yeah is how to
deal with emotions and a lot of people
miss that so what they do is they do it
a lot of kids do in a stressful
situation like that is to determine all
most declare war on the emotions mm-hmm
so it’s not the parents who are a
problem or have a problem right because
that brings up too much anxiety so she
has a kid you’re so dependent on your
parents it’s the emotions if I didn’t
have these emotions you know life would
be great it makes sense logically it
just doesn’t really work in real life
because if you don’t deal with the
emotions they sit there and
cause trouble like anxiety depression
panic and certainly relationship
problems yes so they come and all the
other issue is so they have this they’re
not really taught how to do it but then
they with men in particular they get
with word praise praised right on the
football field in the classroom in the
boardroom exactly for being Robo man oh
you’re so strong
you’re strong you’re so really about it
then nothing bothers you you’re a rock
how many times we heard that I’m
everybody’s rock we heard that kids all
the time
yes not a robot so you need to deal with
that yes military people military men I
see this a lot all right so that’s the
tricky part because there are times it’s
great to be cool under pressure where
you have to be it you have to be exactly
especially when hearing a war situation
or it’s out in the battlefield or in the
boardroom it’s true yes you’re on the
football field you have to think on your
feet
we’re so happy we are so excited for
football season Patriots fan
Giants fan but there’s a Browns fan
amongst us if my husband ends an Eagles
fan
would mine we’re still not talking okay
and back so badly so yeah you’re right
all right we could talk football for a
while so they appraised more it it’s
very hard to hear us say so that’s that
that’s part of the balance too right
we’re saying you won’t lose that you can
keep that in fact we like that there’s
how many people have we if someone this
is what the problem with a lot of the
school shooters are they’re not able to
contain the emotion right they’re acting
out on us these people are doing the
opposite they’re keeping them in keeping
it in and not acting at all yeah okay so
that’s fine we want you
do that but we just need to add this
piece when you’re home when you’re not
in the battlefield when you’re with your
spouse or your significant other you you
have to have some where your thumb pack
that back yeah that’s a good way to put
it yeah at some point you have to unpack
the bag doesn’t have to be in front of
everybody at work probably shouldn’t be
it in front of everybody at work but
that’s another tricky part because we’re
saying you know you have to have some
this emotions has to be part of your
relationship or you have to emote to get
over it and they start to panic I
I am oute I’ll lose my edge but that’s
never seen it happen in 20 years or
branches has gained so much more than
you think
the that’s well that’s Freud’s
contribution emotionally healthy person
was able to work in play right and
that’s what we’re talking about be able
to move from the robe oh man it work and
when you need to and then moving into
marriage man very emotionally healthy no
it’s the idea yes not to be stuck in if
we don’t she stuck in the emoting that’s
not healthy we don’t want you stuck in
the robe oh man cuz that’s not healthy
either balance right so I’m talking dr.
diamond about that so maybe we’ll get a
article out of that or something
exciting oh you’re leaving me I am
coming to Richmond today I’ll be with
Tyler tomorrow maybe we’ll join you from
Richmond tomorrow sometimes we can do
that sometimes we’re too busy I think
you’re busy tomorrow actually but that’s
a busy week with Monday being off yeah
they were they were yes we went to the
beach with my family my parents sisters
our spouses and all the kids all ten
grandkids yes and Ava loved the beach
she’s there right now at Lola Lola she’s
the only one oh she’s so spoiled see
they’re all three days
there and I’m going back today knocking
what’s that over mmm Saturday
a week oh my god we know okay ah the
good one – I was at a pool though I saw
that yes that’s right was on my
Instagram did dr. fanny have a good time
to relax good we all need you
that’s important too well right see
you’ve had a play knows how to plan he
works hard work hard and play hard good
he needs to be able to play with that
with the brows sorry they you know I’m
not gonna like it
- Dabney uh they’re gonna guilty
better than they did last year but Jonah
this time maybe we start another one
again we always start this way I think
they’re gonna win at least one game I
will give them at least one game I’m
thinking 500 but I say one I know you
think zero but I have just been through
this how many years have you been
married 27 years okay dating maybe now
no 30 years this crash and burn sadness
comes in in the fall okay until he is
able to move on to the Patriots side the
winning side we’ll see
anyway I hope see you Thursday not
tomorrow early on the internet situation
hi thanks for joining us