Relationship Breaking Points

Relationship Breaking Points.  What are Relationship Breaking Points? This is what we discuss today.

Hello!

finally we got a break we’ve been really

busy it has been busy catching up and

we’re glad you’re joining us for our

break and I’m Dr. Laura Dabney

psychotherapist, this is  Joelle Brant

relationship life coach.

we are here to

talk about what we do which is help

executive men with their relationship

problems and help everybody be less

afraid of us yeah that’s afraid of going

in to get help help with their emotional

relationship problems and even support

its support that’s right that’s right

because there’s nothing no shame in

getting help and a lot of people think

there is but really what do we do in our

lives we don’t need help yeah I mean you

can’t even buy a TV without somebody

helping you create it get to the store

get in your car maybe I mean yeah it’s

crazy so it’s really funny how people

think what’s the term we hear all the

time um I’m a rock I don’t need any any

help I help others I’m the one that

helps people yes as if they’ve cornered

the market on hmm you know helping

everybody that they don’t need help if

we’d like to help people too so

everybody needs to be able to receive

help and give help I think that’s a one

of the sayings I use for good mental how

do you know if you have good mental

health what the elders accept helped and

receive help would be able to move from

work to play so be able to go back and

forth between these whenever you get

stuck on just one one extreme and think

that’s the way you’re in trouble

something’s wrong so that sort of brings

us to the question we got recently

next we’ve gotten several so I’m gonna

sum them up because they’re kind of all

the same but it’s how do you know when

your relationship is in trouble and you

should get professional help and we love

that question because of course there’s

no easy answer to that but

you know people healthy couples do have

arguments or discussions heated

discussions from time to time it doesn’t

necessarily mean we mean you need

emotional help or relationship or

professional help but why not yeah why

not make it easier on yourself and your

relationship right because one of the

questions is when do you know when

you’re at your breaking point but you

know your breaking point we’d rather you

come in before your breaking point

so if you’re starting to question your

breaking point or if you’re at your

breaking point that may be the breaking

point yeah fYI yeah that might mean yeah

I mean I think that’s a big thing like

you said coming in beforehand or if you

feel like you’re at your breaking point

that’s also the time where you probably

need to call us come to us or anybody to

start really figuring out what got you

there yes and again we want to emphasize

that you can call us and we can talk and

see if you’re ready to come in just

because you pick up the phone and call

someone in mental health anybody it

doesn’t mean you’re committed to a

lifetime of therapy you know there’s a

lot of stages in between and we’ve seen

people we’ve talked to people on the

phone a lot we’ve emailed people helping

them we have had people come in for one

assessment one meeting and everything in

between one meeting in ten years of

therapy I mean it’s it’s all on between

so if you’re questioning the breaking

point it’s a good time to pick up the

phone call somebody that said what we

would call a breaking point what we call

a mental health a breaking point is when

the argument becomes starts becoming

invasive in your life does it impact

your other relationships or does it

impact your work does it impact your

health those are the three main

areas we look at in fact and we talk

about this too but people don’t know

this but those some area of your life

has to be impacted negatively for us to

even give a diagnosis yeah according to

the DSM which we is our Bible huh we

have to someone has to come in so if

someone came in and said I’m crying all

the time I can’t sleep I can’t eat and

I’m a mess and there they say that was

not affecting my work or it’s not

affecting my relationships then we

couldn’t give him a diagnosis of

depression so that sort of that

definition of breaking point comes from

the DSM and again is a sign that this is

beyond just an argument or a healthy

discussion yeah right yeah or if the

argument yeah you said if those

arguments are those feelings or the

anger that whatever you’re going through

is affected work like if you like you

said if you can’t go from work to play

in that sense so if you can’t go from

the argument to being able to let it go

and still function at work the normal

way and that’s showing telling right so

it’s very challenging right and this is

a little bit less official I would say

but I know we both do this is when

you’re in a pattern I guess in other

words it’s a rut that’s another time

just take stock and realize okay yeah

this may be a breaking point or you’re

getting to one because what happens when

people come in is they’ve actually been

doing the same thing over and over and

over and I don’t mean just arguing over

and over but it’s the same argument

different details hmm right so someone’s

late and then someone gets mad about it

being late and then another person feels

that they’re being chastised or scolded

so then they don’t talk for a day or two

and then everything’s fine and they do

that over and over and over so they’re

burying burying burying that’s right

that’s the big part of emotional and

relationship problems is the burying yes

so if you see this pattern and you can’t

see your way out right because you could

see a pattern and say look I’m gonna try

this a different way I’m gonna try a new

approach I’m going to handle this

differently which is different than

stuffing we don’t mean stuffing and

burying it because that’s never good no

but if you have tried different approach

and that’s really what we do in therapy

right yeah we talk about different

approaches to these problems because we

we can’t tell the future we can’t read

your spouse’s mind and we can’t read

your mind we can’t say do this and

things will be better but we can say

let’s try this and then we see all

together what happened to the

relationship did it get better did the

discussion go better her yeah was there

less volatility yeah it’s really it’s a

lot of I could say not kind of trial and

error yes it’s you know because

sometimes it’s like we need to find out

what works for both of you or what works

for you when they’re comfortable with

it’s really baby steps but really you

know making those small changes exactly

right it’s making smart and that’s life

really it’s making small changes and see

what works for you because and then what

works now I may work while your children

are small or while what you’re in the

early stages of your relationship may

not work when you in the middle stages

of your relationship or the mature eight

stages of your relationship so it’s very

important to have this trial and error

approach yeah two things so in the

example of the my being late argument

you know I might advise the person who

comes into my wife’s always late it’s so

rude and all that say well instead of

attacking her criticizing her scolding

her try the approach of the I feel

excellent you do why I get really

irritated when you’re late for our dates

makes me feel like I’m not important or

our date isn’t important by taking it on

as your issue you’re hurt your problem

that’ll make her less defensive and

therefore she will probably engage more

in the discussion with you is certainly

be more willing to change

than if you’re you know you’re you’re

always late yes sir it’s ready to be

laid dirt you’re not late for your

friends we always it for me you know

anything along that vein it’s not gonna

help the situation we don’t have to be

mind reader’s to know that’s not gonna

happen that’s pretty standard yeah so

that’s a big part of what we do in here

in terms of if you can’t sometimes you

can’t even see the pattern and we help

you see the pattern talk about ways you

can break the pattern breaking the

patterns is the key yeah sure so if you

see a pattern that’s not working for you

or if you are in a rut it’s having the

same argument over and over again or if

your arguments heated discussions

whatever you want to call them problem

is impacting your work your health their

relationships other relationships give

us a call and we’ll be glad to talk it

over with you see what might help you

get out of all that okay please share

with those you love.  Relationship Breaking Points are important to know. 

yeah till next time bye everybody!!