How to Enforce Boundaries Without Being the Bad Guy

Hello again! Dr. Laura Dabney and Joelle Brant, life coach we are here helping men, executive

men with relationship problems.

 

We are helping everybody get over the fear of seeing or getting help from somebody in mental health if you need it yes for your emotions and or your relationships.

But really almost everybody with emotional problem ends up having a relationship problem. 

You can  say for this that it definitely might not be a huge relationship problem but it does affect the relationship.

 

yeah I think that’s most of the time true what Joelle and I were kind of laughing when we started because we continue to get questions and feedback on our boundaries

episodes.  we’ve had two write ins about boundary talks before and they seem to be a big hit so somehow this is an issue.

 

 actually you know what else has been a big issue we’ve been talking a lot with reporters lately that’s been a big change in our practice

I don’t know if you noticed on Instagram and Facebook but there have been more articles we’ve been quoted in and they are that topic that keeps coming up over

and over again a sociopath.

 

somehow that’s the big topic I hear it’s there’s some YouTube war going on about somebody claiming someone’s a sociopath and some people thinking he’s not.

and that’s maybe part of it but sociopath is a good topic.  so let us know if you wanna hear about that that one put that one on

the back burner  because we talked a lot about that.   

 

well maybe a little too much experiences with sociopaths and that’s not fun.  and then we have boundaries for today and we thought we would add a little twist and

talk about how to set boundaries. 

 

How to  enforce them without being the bad guy.  we get that question in session a lot so we’ve talked in our other episodes here about what a boundary is

and why you need them so check that out I think is that our paprika one.  that’s too funny.

 

that is our paprika example.  Because you were in the paprika example, make  sure to get me paprika and Joelle’s paprika shirt haha.

 

so boundaries are important.   

once you understand a boundary  and why you need them how do you set that? 

yeah so people are very concerned about

being the bad guy whenever we talk about discussing negative feelings.

or putting up a boundary which involves a negative feeling so I think that’s why a little

connection.

 

like like somehow if you let on you have a negative feeling you’re somehow bad guy.   I mean that connection itself doesn’t really make any sense.  when you think about it yeah you’re

right but the huge connection people have they come in with that sort of link in them always trying to bright break that link.

 

 

I just I just had a session where I think what why is it bad to say what you’re really feeling to someone.  someone you’re married to where’s the

honesty and the openness. there’s nice and bad ways to say how you feel correct it’s that whole it’s not what you say it’s how you say it.

 

yes it’s very true I mean it really is right.  so it’s not the negative feeling it’s you know it’s not saying a boundary that’s bad.   there are good ways to set them and bad ways.

 

so what are the bad ways?  well I don’t want you going out ever anymore right you’re not allowed!  you can’t make it an order doesn’t work . shocking right?

so we don’t give it order we also don’t keep criticizing.  “nobody the right mind would ever want to do that or a good wife or a good husband wouldn’t leave me.”

 

again seems kind of obvious but criticism isn’t gonna work

 

correct okay what else is a bad?  hmm well threatening somebody if you if you leave or if you go on your girl’s trip I’m gonna go on a golf trip with the guys.   if you let this person come over

this might be one I’m gonna actually there’s one that maybe I can say for next week because I did actually have a question that came in but okay it’s like

 

okay if you let this person come over then I’m gonna do this. 

right that type of thing okay you we always gonna go to your parents for Thanksgiving.

then I’m going to I don’t know go off with my brother to live in Hawaii.

 

so those are bad ways.

yes those are bad ways okay getting the message, so threats, criticisms, orders are not

good. 

 

 In general so here’s a good place for us to tell about but I give to my patients is the I feel X when you do y template.   

takes it back to algebra.   

It is about that it weren’t it works for me so I feel X when you do Y when you start off with I feel something. 

you’re taking away the criticism threats and I can

remember the third one criticism threats and ordering ordering right so you’re

 

starting with how you feel so it’s coming from you.  not you you you you you or something or other

 

all right so you’re owning it.  so I feel frustrated that we have gone to your parents for Thanksgiving every year.

right I feel X when we do Y or you do .  the best way to keep someone least off the defensive which you know

well obviously will lead to a conversation so that’s putting yourself first. 

keeping them off the edge and then when they come back with what do you

mean I got I would like to you know going forward can we come up with a new plan for Thanksgiving. 

 

Or you know we need to have a new plan going forward for Thanksgiving.

so the boundary of you know eat this has become like a a rule.

unspoken rule in our relationship need to push back against.

that and not have that happen I can work for all kinds of boundaries you know I need you not to be

 

 

it’s frustrating when you’re late I need you to make an effort to not be late to our dates or our some more things

appointments yeah yeah

 

you have an example from your coaching patient on

setting boundaries the reason it’s so important is because that resentment

that someone’s invading your space we talk about great invasions right like

hitting people or sexual assaults or things like that especially in the news today so that those are invasions and

 

 

those are awful but somebody telling you what to do.

or assuming you’re going to do something over and over again is it is a small invasion. 

Small invasions add up to a big frustration if you allow it to go on and on.

and also the one thing I have been dealing with or one thing that going on right now.

is I know that one of my clients is having trouble trying to figure out how to use boundaries.

But in a healthy way with their teenager.   

 

oh yeah so and I think it and it’s very hard for her because she never kind of never had boundaries with her

child ever but now at this age it’s like you want to have them and they think it’s hard.

 

 

it’s a hard thing to do sometimes if you’re not used to doing it so that’s

what I’ve been trying to help her do it is like normalizing the boundaries so to

 

be exact because I would even say not just wants to happen.

You need to have them because guess what guess where your

teenagers learn how to set boundaries are you setting that and not having a kerfuffle erupt. I love that word I

thought that as much as I can careful having a kerfuffle erupted whenever you set a boundary.

so that direct child doesn’t have a fear of setting

boundaries.

 

so yes setting boundaries with teenagers is really paramount for those reasons it

doesn’t make you the bad guy.

this is this whole if I set up if I don’t let somebody walk all over me. or if I do this when you walk all over me I’m a good guy

 

but this is not this is not true people.  not true and sitting better does make you a bad guy. 

in fact it’s the opposite you’re going to allow something to walk all over you. 

which is what you’re doing whenever you say yes all

the time. 

 and never can say no or maybe let me think about it or let’s compromise. 

it’s just going to cause a problem for you down the line that’s

going to erode at the relationship. so it’s like it’s like if a kid runs out in the street.

you have to as a parent have the yes your pull the kid back. If he fell or is going to cry or be mad or whatever but you have to see the bigger picture.

 

 bigger picture is the kid will be safe and so what we’re talking about with on.

the bigger picture that yes I’m saying no here. 

but it’s for the bigger protection of the relationship won’t be affected in the long run negatively. 

 

 if I say no and I don’t want to do something.

I’m so sorry it’s not gonna work out for me thank you for

asking.

 

see no bad guy there perfectly you can borrow that. 

yes so teenagers with teenagers with spouses with friends with everybody.

yeah boundaries are important!  

Boundaries are our friends well so share this with anybody

who think might need some help with boundaries feel free to pass it along or

send us your boundary examples our problems via Facebook email phone call

Instagram Instagram do that too we’d love to hear from you either way all

 

right we’ll see you soon thank you bye