Boundary Setting

Boundary Setting and why they are important in all relationships.
It’s the Joelle show now we’re gonna do this okay
hi sorry missed you guys on Tuesday we
were having bad internet issues had to
do hard reset and it took a while so we
missed last week or last Tuesday yeah we
missed the mystery on Tuesday and that
was a real pain you were on a video
conference I was and I kept gonna kicked
on and off it was the worst and I was on
a phone call so we’re sort spend it on
damn it now yeah so I’m Laura Dabney and
this Joelle Brandt and we we help men
with their emotional and relationship
problems yeah I’m a psychotherapist
and relationship coach and we’ve talked about
our goal being to help people get over
their fear of picking up the phone or
coming to the door or even emailing
anything right because there’s a lot of
misconceptions about what we do so we’re
bringing you into the office here tell
you a little bit about the process what
it’s like yeah what we do to hopefully
get that fear you know eased or having
nothing yeah either fears of us yeah
basically so we what did we talk about
we’ve we’ve touched on anger neediness
sadness just negative emotions being
normal yeah I’ve talked about that
that’s important to normalize those yeah
there’s some people think are bad wrong
and then the other is well if people
think is good could be not so good such
as altruism that has gone awry basically
altruism that had having secrets strings
attached yep they don’t people don’t
know about rock they don’t understand so
that can go that definitely can go wrong
in a relationship
yes pretty quickly and so what’s what
else what other aha moments do we one
that I think people have trouble with
boundary setting well that’s a good one
because people think boundaries are bad
sometimes correct but we’re always
teaching what’s this thing I say good
boundaries make good relationships
that’s right
yes right but people think it’s mean
because well what would my patients
think it’s mean because it’s think it’s
a separating thing yeah which it is but
sometimes that’s it’s a need
I mean boundaries are very important um
and then also to me when it comes to
boundaries I think people think of them
as well I shouldn’t give people rules I
shouldn’t tell people they make rules
for people like when they’re adults but
it’s not a rule a boundary is something
that everybody needs well it helps
people to know where you begin where
your end or where something works for
you and something does so yes everybody
needs that because it’s let me people
know where they’re intruding yeah well
they don’t mean to yeah most the time
people set a boundary it’s not against
people who are meaning to be invasive or
mean or hurtful that’s why what you need
to say this is hurtful you don’t know it
but it’s hurtful yeah so yeah so they
think so you think so your patients have
seen that it feels condescending yeah
when they put up a boundary in mine
field it’s being mean because they’re
saying back off right but they’re nice
ways to set boundaries it’s true right
that’s what people are sort of surprised
with oh you can set a boundary and so
what would you say this is what I know
we’ve talked about so maybe you can
explain to our viewers
um what happens when somebody just
dismisses a boundary does like if you
set a boundary and that person doesn’t
even acknowledge it or doesn’t care
about that boundary that’s a great
question so then we have to so once we
talk about setting
boundary said like nicely kindly setting
boundaries we talked about the different
levels of boundaries right because
because that’s kind of common either
they’ll ignore the boundary or after a
while it’s not it’s not a priority to
them so the other person has to remind
them of the boundary but if they’re just
flat-out not acknowledging it then
there’s different levels so if you say
you know that when you talk about that
subject when you talk about this woman
at work it bothers me and it just makes
me feel anxious and I don’t care for it
it’s like oh it’s no big deal why you
making a big deal of it right so you set
a boundary he’s ignoring it or she and
then you have to say it this is I know
you don’t understand it but I have to
let you know this is very important I
really need you to stop so it’s these
different levels of aggression
constructive aggression that’s gonna
have to be another talk constructive
aggression to make sure the boundary is
taken seriously
yeah because some people will then say
well he doesn’t care and then give up on
the boundaries and that’s absolutely
wrong yeah he or she doesn’t see it your
way so that doesn’t mean you give up on
it this means you have to explain it
more or be a little bit more insistent
yeah I mean it’s hard setting boundaries
sometimes for people that you know never
had to do it in the past or you know
didn’t grow up with seeing people set
boundaries right I mean I think that’s
why it’s important for like adults to
know how to do that because you know
especially for like like me with small
children it’s like I need to be able to
show my own boundary so that they’ll
know how to set boundaries even as
little kids yeah well that’s another in
a sense really great side effect that is
really helpful and I’ve seen this too
where when we have one person come in
and like if they’re a married or in
relationship and they start getting
better at setting boundaries
automatically not obvious even conscious
their partner starts getting better at
setting boundaries I was used the
example of
if you’ve ever asked anybody to go to a
movie and they say yes and then you get
to going you’re going to the movie and
they you get the sense they don’t want
to be there you you know you’re like
he’s very frustrated you wish they had
just said no I’m sorry I
this needs a section or I’ve got some
other plans this afternoon yeah so I was
remind people that you’re on the other
side of that you appreciate it boundary
you’d rather know yeah then to hurt the
person by accident you don’t know if
it’s a friend I know I think it always
goes back to people cannot uh we can’t
read minds right nobody can read each
other’s mind so that boundary that you
want to set maybe something that there
another person might be like oh alright
didn’t know that now I know right
they’re happy everybody right they’re
happy they’re relieved now I know more
about you yeah and that’s what we always
talk about intimacy being more about
transparency than anything absolutely so
the good bad and the ugly relationship
that’s that’s really what you’re sharing
should be yeah and what we always you
know then another part we talk about
it’s not that we see this but we see
this and we work on this every day but
what we’ve been working on more broadly
in the past five years has been the fact
that we see this but this has been going
on for years in some cases in my
patients decades and that’s what’s
really that really blows our minds that
yeah they’re suffering right for all
this time it’s one thing to come in
they’re hurt and they’re suffering then
we’re helping them but I know what why
just why’d you wait so long I wish who
came in sooner you know and what do they
say every single time and I know you’ve
had this too we talked about every
single time when they leave or halfway
through treatment or that are you
starting to feel better why didn’t I do
this sooner
yes okay you ready they said that every
nine times out of ten I would say yes
you’re right people are like what is
this oh we’re appealing to those people
are out there and who haven’t been able
to come in you don’t need to suffer for
years to come in yeah people have a
toothache for years
me I’m scared to grow the dentist and
then it gets so much worse
and then they instead of getting a
cavity filled get tooth pulled or a rib
now but I didn’t even go the dentist if
you go to lost finisher think it’s gonna
be too painful or something I don’t know
so yes that’s been the real the real
tragedy that we see is people are
suffering and they don’t need to no need
to it will come sometimes people come in
like a crisis yeah cuz they let this go
but you don’t have to be in a crisis to
be getting a divorce or feeling like
you’re ready to pull your hair out yeah
I do think that sometimes people don’t
realize how helpful it could be even
like you said when you’re not in a
crisis just to have you know whether
it’s therapy or coaching it’s just
somebody there for you to help you
understand yourself better because the
more you understand yourself the better
you are for your spouse or partner
anybody kid yeah yeah absolutely
so we’re asking if you know somebody
like this in your life lots of us do
yeah would you please share this with
them it maybe help them you know
overcome that last step to coming in or
it could also be someone that you are
trying to set a boundary with and want
to make sure they understand that it’s
not a bad thing it’s another way but in
any event we’re gonna see you next
Tuesday okay unless our internet goes
out again what you want all right have a
good week yes do we good
oh it is almost the weekend don’t forget