Boundary Setting

Boundary Setting and why they are important in all relationships. It’s the Joelle show now we’re gonna do this okay hi sorry missed you guys on Tuesday we were having bad internet issues had to do hard reset and it took a while so we missed last week or last Tuesday yeah we missed the mystery on Tuesday and that was a real pain you were on a video conference I was and I kept gonna kicked on and off it was the worst and I was on a phone call so we’re sort spend it on damn it now yeah so I’m Laura Dabney and this Joelle Brandt and we we help men with their emotional and relationship problems yeah I’m a psychotherapist and relationship coach and we’ve talked about our goal being to help people get over their fear of picking up the phone or coming to the door or even emailing anything right because there’s a lot of misconceptions about what we do so we’re bringing you into the office here tell you a little bit about the process what it’s like yeah what we do to hopefully get that fear you know eased or having nothing yeah either fears of us yeah basically so we what did we talk about we’ve we’ve touched on anger neediness sadness just negative emotions being normal yeah I’ve talked about that that’s important to normalize those yeah there’s some people think are bad wrong and then the other is well if people think is good could be not so good such as altruism that has gone awry basically altruism that had having secrets strings attached yep they don’t people don’t know about rock they don’t understand so that can go that definitely can go wrong in a relationship yes pretty quickly and so what’s what else what other aha moments do we one that I think people have trouble with boundary setting well that’s a good one because people think boundaries are bad sometimes correct but we’re always teaching what’s this thing I say good boundaries make good relationships that’s right yes right but people think it’s mean because well what would my patients think it’s mean because it’s think it’s a separating thing yeah which it is but sometimes that’s it’s a need I mean boundaries are very important um and then also to me when it comes to …

Relationship Breaking Points

Relationship Breaking Points.  What are Relationship Breaking Points? This is what we discuss today. Hello! finally we got a break we’ve been really busy it has been busy catching up and we’re glad you’re joining us for our break and I’m Dr. Laura Dabney psychotherapist, this is  Joelle Brant relationship life coach. we are here to talk about what we do which is help executive men with their relationship problems and help everybody be less afraid of us yeah that’s afraid of going in to get help help with their emotional relationship problems and even support its support that’s right that’s right because there’s nothing no shame in getting help and a lot of people think there is but really what do we do in our lives we don’t need help yeah I mean you can’t even buy a TV without somebody helping you create it get to the store get in your car maybe I mean yeah it’s crazy so it’s really funny how people think what’s the term we hear all the time um I’m a rock I don’t need any any help I help others I’m the one that helps people yes as if they’ve cornered the market on hmm you know helping everybody that they don’t need help if we’d like to help people too so everybody needs to be able to receive help and give help I think that’s a one of the sayings I use for good mental how do you know if you have good mental health what the elders accept helped and receive help would be able to move from work to play so be able to go back and forth between these whenever you get stuck on just one one extreme and think that’s the way you’re in trouble something’s wrong so that sort of brings us to the question we got recently next we’ve gotten several so I’m gonna sum them up because they’re kind of all the same but it’s how do you know when your relationship is in trouble and you should get professional help and we love that question because of course there’s no easy answer to that but you know people healthy couples do have arguments or discussions heated discussions from time to time it doesn’t necessarily mean we mean you need emotional help or relationship or professional help but why not yeah why not make it …

Pathological Altruism, When helping is not the best answer

Pathological Altruism is helping hurts.   hello must be Thursday it is Thursday you like Monday still no feels like a Thursday but that’s good a rainy nasty nasty sure snow again still on microphone and it matches your dress so what do we want to talk about today well so we were talking about the how people will be on aha moments where people go my god which we love right so the negative feelings so negative things can be positive but that was last week’s mm-hmm people think feeling angry needy or sad or or bad or wrong or whatever they think something bad about that and we teach them that those are not only normal but they can be really good for you to understand that feel those feel them deal with them basically so let’s talk about the OP because the opposite is true to something that people think is good is not so good like pathological altruism no yeah okay so that’s a phrase I have to teach a lot of patience right pathological altruism it’s a mouthful but parents know somebody like that yes the pathological altruism is sort of how it sounds where people are helping others but at their expense so they don’t realize this so they’re helping helping helping often with the idea that if I helped enough and someone’s gonna help me but what ends up happening is they become furious because no one helps them it helps them they don’t realize that’s the string attached to the help see so it ends up being really disruptive in that way because they don’t they themselves don’t know how to ask for what they need which goes back to our neediness so people who have pathological altruism as one of their defenses you know gives gives gives gives and then gets angry when nobody gives back but they’ve missed a little portion of not being able to tell someone what they needed this is a moment where the student becomes the teacher so beautifully and you’ve learned that over the – over time but as you pointed out it always comes back to these three emotions same with us we do the neediness anger and sadness right so you’re absolutely right so people have trouble with neediness cover it up by saying I’ll help you and then I won’t have to …

Robo Man Syndrome, When Men Don’t Emote

Men Do Not Emote.  Well, SOME men. Robo Man Syndrome When Men Do Not Emote.  This is a common issue that comes up.   We are live and back but we missed you last week.    Oh my goodness our internet,  it went down again.   But we do have a new IT company!   Hopefully they will do better shout out to NtegraIT who did come by  and fix everything. hopefully that will be resolved, we have missed  you! we’re all set to go and we realized we didn’t introduce ourselves.  I’m Dr. Laura Dabney this is Joelle Brant we both work with executive men help them with their relationships.  We help the robo man syndrome men who do not emote.  so we have talked about a lot of things over the last several weeks. Wow at least a month yeah we’ve talked about emotions and how they sometimes men like  to protect themselves from emotions in ways it might not be a good idea. yeah like pathological altruism and doing everything for everyone at the expense of yourself not be at boundaries. we talked about boundaries more popular ones we talked about panic and anxiety yes phobias oh yeah Joelle’s phobia . I did kill an ant yesterday so maybe I’m making progress.  Well I’ve been talking we’ve both been talking with Dr. Jed diamond and I am  really fond of him.  he is a psychologist who works outside of San Francisco and he played a big role in helping us understand men’s emotions.   he has a very similar clientele to us.   so we really have a lot in common and it’s been a joy to talk with him he actually wrote the book male menopause back in the 70s and since then he’s gotten interested in what he calls irritable man syndrome.   which is basically men who feel the only emotion they’re allowed to have is anger.   okay so if they’re hurt they’re angry, if they’re sad they’re angry, you know everything else  come out that’s anger!  so that’s been a really interesting.  so that’s what he sees the most that’s what he sees a lot of.  that’s what we’ve been writing about. I was telling about what I see and what we talked about which is Robo man and it’s a little different than irritable man but along the same lines where men often feel that any kind of emoting is negative or effeminate or …

Anxiety and Phobias the Down and Dirty

Phobias, anxiety, disorders, and the unconscious. hello happy Tuesday!  It is a good Tuesday because I got a visit from Lola.     Just so everyone knows, Lola is my mom she was lives locally around here. Lolo is my dad.  They stopped by after Mass today to drop off some snacks to Dr. Dabney and my dad also wanted to check on her plant.   Also another perfect surprise was Ava just running through the office she’s adorable.   That’s why we couldn’t finish our talk last time about anxiety. I panicked because Joelle was anxious to get her kids so o we had to cut it short.   So we’re not going to do that today.  we’re gonna continue our talk on panic and anxiety good with that so   that’s a good point to point out if you have an anxiety about something then it’s not a mental disorder.   yeah so if you know what the reason is then it’s, actually a normal reaction. a normal reaction that you’re anxious about, like picking up the little munchkins on time.     people come in and anxiety they don’t   know why and that’s when it becomes   interesting or they think they know why   and it might not be the real why right   exactly   so that’s what we dig in and do our work   because that’s really that’s what’s most   exciting it’s like being a detective   because you have to find out what it is   because it’s unconscious right and why is it unconscious because it hurts it hurts right right there’s some pain there there’s something I’m septa below yeah which is painful that you know your brain is smart most people’s brains are sparse it wants to cover up pain it doesn’t want to feel pain so it’s like this jujitsu you’re doing with yourself you like I want to know why they don’t wanna know why I don’t know why but I don’t wanna know so our job is to get glimpses of that as it comes to the surface and pull it out help them understand in a safe place where they know that yes it’s gonna hurt but supposed to get and it’s   brief and it’s not you’re never Burghley and it never hurts as much as they imagined or you imagine that it’s like a it’s like a it’s like …