Beyond Boundaries– Simple Fixes for your Relationship Problems

we’re back it’s voting Tuesday
we are here to talk  Beyond Boundaries and give  Simple Fixes for Your Relationship Problems
absolutely yes so we’re not here to help
you with the political problems because
that can get kind of fiery but we do
have some tips on how to fix your
relationship problems.  these are the
quicker tips we give beyond just
boundary setting which is huge!
But we have talked about boundary setting quite a bit
but it’s here is our introduction.  I’m Doctor
Dabney relationship psychiatrist and this is
Joelle Brant relationship coach.
We’re here to try to help you be a
little less, you know, weird about coming
in to see us or anybody to help
you with your emotional relationship
problems.  This is  sort of like us opening our
front door and saying come on in this is
let me talk about this what we do this
our imperfections and hopefully make you
a bit more comfortable.
so we have talked about boundary setting and we’ve discussed the
basic boundary setting method is “I feel
X when you do Y so I need you to
please stop.”
there’s some other quick down and dirty statements you can
make to stop some troublesome patterns
in your relationship.
so we thought we’d go over those today.
the one we talk about a lot is walking away but a little
part to that you have to add that’s
because walking away is a little
passive-aggressive if you’re in the
middle of something or your partner is in
the middle of something and you walk
away you’re gonna stir them up because
they’re not gonna know where you are  or why you
just left.
Or if  you coming back, that’s
sort of hurtful to them so we talked
about using a bridge statement.
right,  you can say I’m gonna leave this is getting a little
too much but let’s revisit it after dinner.
Exactly so that little statement keeps it from
being torture for the other person okay
now there are times when walking away
without a statement is appropriate so
first example walking away with a bridge
statement is if someone’s being
inappropriately aggressive name-calling
you know yeah the other yelling gets to
be too high whenever you get to that you
know that anxiety discomfort like mmm
it’s not working for me check in later
okay but if they’re being
passive-aggressive I’m talking about you
mumbling under their breath singing and
passing that’s the time to simply walk
away because what that’s doing the other
person is being inappropriate and
they’re drawing you into an argument you
can’t win right
you didn’t hear them they didn’t say it
so you get into those dead ends the
fights back and forth
yeah just yes I don’t know I didn’t know
so don’t take the bait and that you just
simply ignore let’s walk into the next
room not angrily just simply remove
yourself phone call to make I’m gonna
check on the kids just out you go
the idea being that the your partner
needs to learn and this is how to help
them learn that they’ll only get your
attention if they approach you
appropriately they’re not gonna lose you
if they’re not appropriate mm-hmm okay
then we’ve talked about um what’s our
other ones we talked about Oh like just
one one way statements or just like this
simple statements right that’s the
simple statement we talked about saying
what your emotion is in light of what
they do but there are times
we’re just saying how you feel and
leading it there has a lot more impact
yeah yeah so example would be ooh that
hurts oh I’m so sorry to hear that
right these statements get you away from
somebody who’s raped pounced as soon as
you say well it’s hurtful when you say
this or if you said a million times it
hurts when you criticize me
and they’re still criticizing you you
might want to abbreviate it – that’s
take a little reminder a little little
sue song yeah well cause if you say it
hurts or that’s painful they they can’t
they can’t have nothing else say except
sorry or you know it also can also open
up that communication it might like you
said as a reminder it might say we what
did I do that hurt because they may
truly still not get it and then it gives
you that communication that opened for
them to say well this is what you did
that hurt exactly you can go ahead and
explain it once they ask but it lets
them know that the pain is right there
and there’s no distraction from it by
saying what they did or didn’t do or you
know just to put it out then lastly we’d
like to recommend the do-over people say
always which I to do over well you can
have a do-over sucked ass
yes so sometimes when you get into if
you see maybe this is especially good
when you’re making mistakes like being
too loud and she’s making a stage maybe
I don’t know calling names or whatever
if you both find yourself it’s just not
productive if you’re not productive just
not going anywhere
yeah then stop and say hey can we do
this again let’s start this again yes
even maybe another time they can start
this again
let’s try see after dinner we’re both
too wound up right now or just look
let’s just start this again
that sometimes can be a relief to the
other person as much this is relief to
you yeah because everyone’s getting amped up
and you can just start over
calm down or even like you said after
dinner take a break take a moment
definitely helps yeah so those are some
additional helpful hands to stop those
relationship patterns that aren’t
working for you the key here people is
if we had to have bottom line all this
don’t let those relationship patterns
keep going on it doesn’t get better
it’s not a time cures all wounds type of
situation you know I mean and it’s
definitely something and this can be
used in any relationship right you know
any type of relationship that you have
all of these things are true yes exactly
we talk about intimate relationships our
jobs here typically to help executive
men with their relationship problems but
of course you’ve grown children your
parents your friends all helpful yeah so
if you know anybody that this can help
or you think you know they may need to
hear please like love share and just
pass it alas it on we’ll be back next
week with more helpful hints